BREAKING: Objectivist Chilean Miner Reluctantly Consumes Government Food; Awaits Market-based Rescue

Pablo Espada, 27, reluctantly consumed some of the food provided by state relief efforts Thursday, as he awaited rescue in a collapsed Chilean mine.

“Clearly the best course of action would be an efficient, market-based rescue paid for by voluntary participants in a free exchange of goods,” he told reporters on Thursday, speaking via a government-provided intercom. “However, I was hungry.”

Espada, a long time Libertarian-Objectivist and follower of Ayn Rand, a mid-20th century author and social critic and author of such books as “Atlas Shrugged” and “The Virtue of Selfishness”, stated that he was continuing to hold out hope for a profit-based rescue effort. When asked how he could afford to pay for his 33rd of such a rescue effort, he speculated that perhaps his parents could borrow the funds on credit for him. “That’s how they put me through school and bought me my car,” he stated. “But I might have to start paying them rent if that happens.”

Espada complained that his co-workers had infringed on his individual liberties several times since they became trapped together. “They used pages torn from my copy of The Fountainhead to scrawl what they expected to be their final words to their loved ones,” he reported. “And, they applied immoral coercion on a sovereign human being when they confiscated my Milky Way bar and used it to keep 33 people alive for 6 days.” Espada indicated that he would demand to be compensated for both the cost of the nougat-filled snack bar and for the paperback novel upon their eventual rescue.

“The worst part was when I lectured them on how mine safety regulations represent the enslavement of the productive class by the collectivist, leeching non-creative workers, and that this mine collapse was merely the workings invisible hand envisioned by Adam Smith. But they got very upset at me and have forced me into poop-bucket duty every day since then.” Espada said that he was contemplating “going Galt” from his sanitation assignment. “I just need to find an offshoot area of this mine to use as my gulch. They’re going to really be sorry.” Espada finished, “Also, I really hope someone saves me soon. I miss the internet.”

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