I’m addicted to the government teat, just like Thomas Sowell says.
My first exposure was when I was just a little boy. It seemed like I could stop at any time, but eventually my addiction to public education took over. I tried to quit, but They wouldn’t let me. As I got older, I became hooked on roads and mail. Oh, the roads. I couldn’t get enough. Later, I experimented with police and fire departments. I tried building codes and food safety. It’s hard to explain the euphoria experienced by an addict who bites into a chicken breast knowing that the use of hormones in the industry has been regulated. Ecstasy!
Eventually I couldn’t fund my habit anymore so I started stealing capital gains from white people. I knew I was on a downward spiral, and I knew I had to quit somehow, but every time I was confronted with a lucious, bright-red stop sign, or some glistening, freshly treated city water, I was powerless to resist.
Where would it end? What would my next sick craving be? Medical care? A college education? My depravity knew no bounds. I knew I had to do something to stop my life from sinking into an unending nightmare of addiction and dependence like what is experienced every day by people living in the dystopian hellholes of London, Paris or Toronto.
That is when I found help in the form of The World’s Smallest Political Quiz that showed me that on a four-quarter chart I measured left on social issues and right on economic issues and that I should therefore join seek treatment in a group called Fountainheads Anonymous. There, I learned the wisdom of John Stossel.
Today, I still fight my inner demons. sometimes when I’m near a library I can still picture myself using, and when I drive by a community college I still have the urge to apply for a Pell grant. But, by humbly surrendering myself to the knowledge that I am the only person in the universe that I should ever have to care about, I am finally on the road to recovery.
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